Oh man, there are certain thoughts I can’t go near. Seems like I used to be able to. Seems like I used to be able to do anything. But some things I absolutely dare not think about.
I continue to sabotage myself out of paying jobs…not that they pay enough to fret about mind you. But, pay is pay when you have nothing of your own to contribute to, well to anything. I can’t buy myself a pair of underwear for shit’s sake. I could ask for them and get them bought for me in a matter of minutes, but, I don’t want to ask for them. I want to buy them for myself.
On the other hand I was able to ask for (and immediately received) the fifth season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Why can I ask for that and not for underwear? Who knows? Not I.
Of course, that particular season is virtually impossible to find up here so I had to get it … had to ask for it. I couldn’t wait or it would have been gone, you see. I got it on Sunday and finished watching all 22 episodes this morning. Like I had nothing more important to do than watch BtVS for three straight days. Even though I’d already seen most of the season, I cried my eyes out during almost every single episode. I especially cried when Buffy’s mom died, and when Buffy herself died in the last eppy I bawled like a baby even though I know she came back in season six.
When my parents died I could barely work up a single tear.
So I wonder, what’s up with me that I cry over fictional people facing tragedy, but I have only a cold, hard heart in the face of real life despair. When BT gets upset or emotional about something, I sort of get pissed at him, and for all his size and tough-guy attitude he’s a sensitive softie at heart. That’s my secret shame, that I get mad when he expresses his own pain.
I think if I could live inside a TV show I really would choose to do so.
But, none of those are the thoughts I dare not think about. To type them out is to think about them so I won’t.
This is not a great day but I still truly believe that life is good. Mostly:)
August 14, 2008 at 2:22 am |
First off: ask for some underwear, woman! ;)
Secondly, as far as crying, and reactions… I see the same thing in myself, and I accredit it to how my mom acted. I act the same way she did. Sometimes it bugs the shit out of me, because it’s not fair when I do. So… maybe the way you act isn’t entirely your own doing…?
I dunno; just spoutin’ here. ;) BTW, I love reading your “life is good” at the end of each post. It reminds me to put things in perspective.
August 14, 2008 at 2:53 pm |
Hmmm, well I think I can get at least a few more weeks out of my present undies, heh. I’ll have a fair-sized chunk of money in about six weeks, so…. ‘Course, I have to buy a chair and pay debts with that but maybe I can manage some underwear, too.
Silly subject, eh? I’m giggling.
Good food for thought. In a lot of ways my mother was a giant, spoiled baby, which I’ll talk about at some point soon, but in other ways was she ever a tough old bird and had an amazing ability to shoulder through certain things. I don’t know where I get this misplaced sensitivity to tell the truth. Maybe the funniest thing of all is that BT is just like me. He’d kill me for saying but I catch him sniffling through the same things on TV that I do. Of course, I pretend not to notice because I’m ultra-nice that way, haha! But, like I said up there, I almost get mad when he does that. I think irrational and unfair thoughts like, “what gives you the right to feel this so deeply after everything you (insert negative description here).”
Clearly, I have way too much time on my hands and not nearly enough contact with the female of our species. Oh to have a real job….
Well, didn’t I just ramble on? Might as well have made a new entry.
August 16, 2008 at 10:29 am |
wow, i keep coming here and checking and then when i come back after a week or so, this is the post.
i’m the same about a lot of things like that, girl. you’re not cold hearted. you’ve had a lot of personal emotional pain, and so over the years you’ve hardened yourself to it. you’re not personally emotionally involved with btvs. when big t gets upset, it upsets you because it does affect you, so you get mad instead of “feeling” the pain of the situation.
that’s why you couldn’t release a tear when your folks died…because to do so, would hurt too much.
oh, i’m an expert at this…i do the exact same thing.