Happy (late) New Year

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted here so I hope “someone” might be listening:)

I’ve had some internet issues over the last two months.  I think there was something wrong with my network adapter which prevented me from connecting properly.  Most times I had to restart the computer about ten times in a row before it found a connection, and that became really tedious so I tended to avoid even trying.  I had a lot of other stuff going on anyway that kept me away.  But, I have a wireless setup as of yesterday and so far it’s working beautifully.  Unfortunately for BT, I can’t say the same for his computer;  he can’t seem to connect via the wireless as yet.  I have no idea why.

I’ll say it again…anymore major computer troubles and I’m going to give it up for a bit.  This just feels like a huge money-sucking black hole.

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Caution:  Lady-speak ahead!

So, I was really, really, really, really down and out for a good long while, probably extending all the way back to late 2006 with the worst of it occurring over the past 6 or 7 months.  I tried to ignore it all, shove it way back down inside, exorcise it, deny it, just all sorts of things… but nothing worked and it all only got worse.  Then, about three months ago I started having hot flashes again (I mean intense, sweat-dripping, skin-flushing, sleep-depriving, every-half-an-hour-like-clockwork hot flashes) and I decided that I had to do something.  It’s funny to me that the depression or whatever didn’t prompt me to seek relief (though I didn’t truly connect that it may have been caused by menopause or premenopause) but the physical effects did.  I finally bought a giant box of Maximum Strength Estroven one day, and I chose that product only because that was all that was available in Sam’s Club that particular day.

Anyway, I feel so much better now.  I read that it usually takes 30 to 60 days to feel any results, but I felt better after probably two and a half weeks.  The hot flashes decreased in both frequency and intensity (thank you, powers that be!) and I guess the balancing ingredients worked as well because I feel like a normal, reasonably content human being again.  I hope it continues and isn’t just a fluke.  Fingers crossed.

On a related side note:  40 below zero in Alaska is absolutely the finest place to experience hot flashes.  I actually stick my head out the window when a hot flash hits while on the road (don’t fret, I’m not driving when I do this) and at home, I open the bedroom window and let the cold air wash over me.  Also, a cold, wet washcloth is my new best friend; I keep one in a dish beside my bed at night.

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Our holiday season was mostly pretty good.  Thanksgiving is excluded from that description because my “wonderful” upstairs neighbors threw a hootenanny that lasted till the wee dawn hours.  They drank, they blasted the stereo, they hooted and hollered, and they demolished several Queen songs by singing along at the top of their lungs.  It was terrible and I hated every second of it.  Plus, both BT and LT had to work the next day and they got almost no sleep.

Christmas was basically the same story except that the Estroven had kicked in by then so I dealt with it a bit better, and they wound down their festivities a lot earlier and it was quiet by 11pm or so.  We had a nice meal, exchanged nice gifts that weren’t overly expensive, and enjoyed a ton of treats that I’d made all that week.  I made extra yummies because I warned the guys that our eating habits would be changing drastically once the holidays were over and done.  All three of us are overweight and gaining steadily and it’s time to put a stop to the madness so we had one final treat binge.

New Year’s Eve was freakin’ awesome because it was quiet and peaceful.  The upstairs folks went to the annual Exotic, Erotic Masquerade Ball at The Blue Loon (do NOT ask me about their costumes but let me just state that women that age and in that shape shouldn’t even think about wearing what they wore) so they weren’t home to party.  LT was with friends all night, which just left me and BT.  We tried, but were only barely able to stay awake until midnight.  Just my kind of holiday and I’m still thanking the gods that the neighbors had plans away from home.

I’m glad the holidays are done because traffic and shopping sucks during that time, but I do love Christmas and miss it already.  I just refuse to let life circumstances take my joy away.

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It’s cold here.  For a solid week now we’ve hovered somewhere between  -35 and -55.  I gotta be honest, it’s rough when you have to be out and about for a long chunk of time, but otherwise I kinda love it.  It’s like living on another planet.  In fact, when the sun is low and shining through thick ice-fog, everything turns sort of orange and I can totally imagine that I live on a newly-terraformed but still cold Mars.  Yeah, I know I’m a bit silly.

However, such temperatures are rough on moving parts so I hope it warms up soon so our old minivan doesn’t up and die on us.  That thing is iffy even in the best weather.

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Not much to talk about regarding entertainment.  My shows are gone for now during this mid-season break and I miss them more than I can say, but they should be back soon. 

On February 13th, Whedon’s much-anticipated Dollhouse premieres in what is considered to be a deadly time slot: 9pm on Friday night. It will be paired with Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, which has been moved from it’s sweet Monday night time slot to 8pm on Fridays. The fan communities for both shows are a bit up in arms about the changes (Dollhouse was originally paired with “24″ on Monday nights) considering what has happened to other awesome programs that occupied those Friday night death slots. I prefer to adopt the “wait and see” approach before I worry too much.

I hadn’t spoken about it before, but I’m going to miss the newly canceled My Own Worst Enemy. I’m not much of a Christian Slater fan but I thought he did a really good job with his “two” characters on the program. The stories were pretty good and there was a lot of action, mystery, and suspense. I know the networks are all about the ratings (READ: MONEY) but I honestly think they cut their own throats sometime by canceling too soon. Nine episodes isn’t enough time to establish a firm fan base, in my ever so humble opinion.

Movies…quickly: I loved “The Dark Knight”, and yeah, Ledger was amazing as was the somewhat more understated Christian Bale (I love Christian Bale!). “X-Files: I Want to Believe” was just okay for me. There was a bit too much “file” and not nearly enough “X” and the Scully/Mulder love affair was maybe not the way to go with that. “Tropic Thunder”…well, I wanted to hate it but I found myself being highly entertained. Tom Cruise was the movie’s high point and I think he should snatch the Golden Globe for that piece of work. “Hellboy 2″ was good but it would have been better with a bit less Hellboy/Liz drama. It was a gorgeous film, too. “Traitor” with Don Cheadle was really good to me, though I don’t think it did fantastic at the box office. Cheadle always delivers a great performance and he didn’t let me down.

There are more but I can’t think of them right now. Oh….this isn’t a newish DVD release but I recently saw Sunshine and was completely swept away. Visually, the movie is nothing less than spectacular and sensual with awesome special effects. As a bonus, the story/writing is wonderful and the acting exceptional. It was directed by Danny Boyle (28 Days Later, The Beach, Trainspotting) and stars Cillian Murphy (28 Days Later, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, Cold Mountain). Probably the best Sci-Fi film since Serenity.

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As for me, I’m doing very, very well as stated before and have a few projects up my sleeve. I did some photo retouching for someone BT knows and have a couple of logo/biz card projects to complete as well as a new web design job coming up over the next few months. I’m also going to finally finish my new website and get that launched this month. I’m going to try and stay busy while hopefully earning a few bucks so I can move out of this place when our lease is up in June. I only hope I can stand it here till then.

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For those of you to whom I owe an email…expect it soon and remember that no matter what, life is good.

sometimes it’s good to be so broke….

I got a call from my credit card company yesterday.  Apparently on Wednesday someone attempted to make both a 90 dollar purchase and a 500 dollar purchase using my card number.  Fortunately, I didn’t even have that much credit at my disposal so the purchases were denied and the security system was alerted.   I think that was a very very good thing indeed.  That sort of trouble is the last thing I need.

One of the attempts was made from a gas station in Kansas of all places.  My account was cancelled and a new card is on the way.  I’m so glad this didn’t have a far worse ending.  The last purchase I made was a month or so ago from Gap online for a bunch of shirts.  I’d never placed an order there before I don’t think I ever will again.  I’m now terrified to use my own card online, which is the only place I ever use a credit card.  And here I thought my identity wasn’t worth stealing.  I guess you just never know.

As made obvious by this post, I’m still alive and semi-well.  I had the flu for way too long and a bad bout of depression.  I’m fully recovered from the first and making progress on the second.  All good things.

Not so much happening with me (mostly for the above reasons).  My birthday came and went with no major trauma, my brother fell off his bicycle while drunk and broke his arm in a couple of places, my niece’s divorce was finalized thus ending some of her nightmare, and our broke-jobless-homeless middle sister lost custody of her grandson.  Trust me, I’m way sugar-coating all this stuff.  I’m telling you, one day I’ll write a book about my clan and will probably make my fortune at last, but what a way to go about it.

I think I need a job in the worst way.  Not only could I use the money but I have entirely too much time on my hands.  Hmmm, one would think I’d be more productive, right?  Not so much.

So, television.

Well, I dutifully I stood by Fringe (I liked the premiere ep fairly well) through, what? four episodes now?  But I gotta say…that show sucks.  I don’t think it’s the actual show…I think it’s the acting, or maybe just bad chemistry between the cast (as in zero chemistry), or maybe not so great directing — I can’t really say with any authority.   I’m a loyal heart so I’ll probably continue to watch unless and until something better comes on, but I’m definitely disappointed and not loving it.

However, I am loving Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. The episode “Allison from Palmdale” scored big for me. We get to learn how the good terminator, Cameron, came to be. It was fascinating and gave Summer Glau a chance to show her acting chops. The buzz is that low ratings could possibly kill the show, but Fox has ordered two more episodes. My fingers are crossed. I love this show.

Prison Break is just all right for me right now, though T-Bag, played by Robert Knepper, was back to his delightfully dirty tricks this past Monday and that just made the episode in my opinion. Here are some prime T-Bag quotes. I hope this quality increase keeps on climbing.

So, last night I caught Eleventh Hour. I loved it! Rufus Sewell (dark City) was great as Dr. Jacob Hood, and Marley Shelton kicked ass both figuratively and literally as Special Agent Rachel Young. Here’s what CBS says about the show.

ELEVENTH HOUR from acclaimed producer Jerry Bruckheimer follows Dr. Jacob Hood, a brilliant biophysicist and special science advisor to the government, as he investigates scientific crises and oddities. His jurisdiction is absolute and Hood is dogged in his pursuit of those who would abuse and misuse scientific discoveries and breakthroughs for their own gain. His passion and crusade is to protect the substance of science from those with nefarious motives. He is called in at the eleventh hour and he represents the last line of defense. Special Agent Rachel Young is the decorated FBI protection officer assigned to watch Hood’s back. Based on the British miniseries by acclaimed writer Stephen Gallagher, the series is executive produced by Bruckheimer, Jonathan Littman, Danny Cannon, Cyrus Voris, Ethan Reiff and Mick Davis for Jerry Bruckheimer Television in association with Warner Bros. Television.

Have a great weekend everyone. Life is good.

Fox’s Fall 08 Premieres Are Early: Yay!

Fox has annoyed me numerous times when it comes to television, but this year they are on my sweetest-ever list. Their premieres begin a full three weeks earlier than other networks and after a summer of tepid television, I cannot wait to get immersed in a warm Fall season.

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On Monday, September 1st we get the 2 hour season premiere of Prison Break. I’m not sure where the show can actually go at this point, but I’m totally ready to blindly leap over the plot-holes and suspend my disbelief for yet another year. If I was a guessing sort of gal, I’d postulate that the brothers and company will be trying to spring Sucre from Sona since he got pinched helping save Scofield’s lean buttocks (though the previews haven’t backed this up and I haven’t searched online). Poor Sucre will no doubt need saving since he’s stuck in there with T-Bag and Bellick — a horrible fate that I wouldn’t wish on anyone even though I love the icky T-Bag character. Main reason to watch season 4: Dr. Sara Tancredi (Scofield’s love interest) is slotted to return from the dead and who can possibly justify missing such a supernatural event?

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On Monday, September 8th, season two of Terminator: the Sarah Connor Chronicles premieres (what an effed up title, though. I always end up calling it the sarah connorcles). Although the first season was short, it was a better than good start. I thought Summer Glau (Firefly, Serenity, The Unit, and The 4400) was really fantastic as Cameron, the good terminator sent from the future by John Connor to help John Connor; but for me it was Brian Austin Greene of Beverly Hills 90210 fame who was the surprise star of the show as Kyle Reese’s brother, and John Connor’s uncle, Derek. The rest of the cast is also quite good and with the cliffhanger ending of season one, well, it cannot be missed.

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The day after the sarah connorcles, Fox’s new baby, Fringe premieres. Created and produced by big screen bigwig, J.J. Abrams, the show is described thusly by tvrage.com:

a research scientist named Peter Bishop and FBI agent Olivia Warren team up to investigate paranormal activity. They seek help from Bishop’s father, Walter, a brilliant (but possibly insane) scientist who is being held in a mental institution. Fringe explores mysteries of the paranormal as well as the relationships between the characters, and is steeped in mythology.

I’m a big fan of J.J. Abrams so I’m looking forward to this 2 hour premiere, even though it did knock Whedon’s new show, Dollhouse, back to mid-season.

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Other noteworthy Fox fall premieres include: ‘Til Death – September 9th, Kitchen Nightmares – September 11th, and House — September 16th.

The only network clashes in my personal viewing schedule will eventually occur on Mondays when The Sarah Connorcles faces off against Chuck, and Prison Break airs opposite Heroes but I predict that Fox will win me over. I can always watch Chuck online the next day, and if Heroes is anything like last season, it’s not worth watching anyway.

Whenever there is fresh and suspenseful TV in my world, life is good.

full dr. horrible (i’m a late poster as usual)

For anyone who did not take the opportunity to watch Joss Whedon’s “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog” when it first web-miered I implore you to do so at once. Even people who aren’t Whedonists, or Whedonites, or whatever the preferred nomenclature is currently, will enjoy the show. It’s silly, goofy, witty, surprisingly profound in spots, and has nice shots of Nathan Fillion in a tight t-shirt riding atop a moving vehicle with the wind blowing his hair back. Fun will be had by all, and I stress again how amazingly wonderful Neil Patrick Harris was in this production. Never a more cuddly villain has there ever been, I say!

So, watch it here at once: Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog

i think i’m disappearing

Oh man, there are certain thoughts I can’t go near.  Seems like I used to be able to.  Seems like I used to be able to do anything.  But some things I absolutely dare not think about.

I continue to sabotage myself out of paying jobs…not that they pay enough to fret about mind you.  But, pay is pay when you have nothing of your own to contribute to, well to anything.  I can’t buy myself a pair of underwear for shit’s sake.  I could ask for them and get them bought for me in a matter of minutes, but, I don’t want to ask for them.  I want to buy them for myself.

On the other hand I was able to ask for (and immediately received) the fifth season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Why can I ask for that and not for underwear?  Who knows?  Not I.

Of course, that particular season is virtually impossible to find up here so I had to get it … had to ask for it.  I couldn’t wait or it would have been gone, you see.  I got it on Sunday and finished watching all 22 episodes this morning.  Like I had nothing more important to do than watch BtVS for three straight days.  Even though I’d already seen most of the season, I cried my eyes out during almost every single episode.  I especially cried when Buffy’s mom died,  and when Buffy herself died in the last eppy I bawled like a baby even though I know she came back in season six.

When my parents died I could barely work up a single tear.

So I wonder, what’s up with me that I cry over fictional people facing tragedy, but I have only a cold, hard heart in the face of real life despair.  When BT gets upset or emotional about something, I sort of get pissed at him, and for all his size and tough-guy attitude he’s a sensitive softie at heart.  That’s my secret shame, that I get mad when he expresses his own pain.

I think if I could live inside a TV show I really would choose to do so.

But, none of those are the thoughts I dare not think about.  To type them out is to think about them so I won’t.

This is not a great day but I still truly believe that life is good.  Mostly:)

The Fume-Soaked Land of Garning

When I was about fourteen or fifteen, I met up with a couple of interesting people via my brother-in-law, MM (R.I.P.). Even though I figured myself to be worldly and wise, I was an impressionable kid all the same. These two folks scared me to a degree…and the thought of them still does.

One was a fellow by the name of J. Holsemback. He was short, slight, and by all signs quite a happy man. He had attained a degree in some sort of psychiatric field at a university in Georgia but when I knew him he was unemployed. He could carry on intelligent conversation and made a fun, lighthearted game out of using unnecessarily large words in everyday conversation in a silly/goofy way. Even though he was way too old for me, I like-liked him, if you know what I mean.

About the second or third time I ran into Holsemback was at a huge open-pit barbeque party and he was sitting off to the side sort of slumped over. When I got closer to him, I was surprised to see that he was virtually hugging a gas can, mumbling softly. I decided to leave him be and he spent the whole night sitting there with his can.

Later, I asked MM about it and he grinned a little and said, “J has gone off to the land of garning again. He’ll probably be there awhile.”

I pressed him and he relayed to me the story of J. Holsemback, whom MM had known all his life. J was once a good, quiet boy that made awesome grades and easily scored a full ride for college. But, somewhere along his path, and at a point way beyond where most young people flail, Holsemback became addicted to huffing gas of all things. He was done with college, ready to start a career and all that jazz, but instead just sort of drowned inside a gas can. His whole life was nothing but huffing gas.

Every time I saw him after that I grew more and more disgusted. When he was lucid, he was still nice and funny, but the can was always there with him. And when he was full blown huffed out, he was creepy if not outright scary. To him, there was a whole kingdom inside his gas can and he called it the land of garning. Apparently there were people in there and he knew all about their day-to-day activities. There was a king and a queen and always a lot of “adventuring” happening at any given moment.

For all I know, there is an actual “land of garning” whether it be a real place or a place inside a piece of fiction, but I’d never heard of it before, nor have I since.

Needless to say, I was no longer crushing on him. Even if I could have gotten past the creepiness, which I couldn’t, he reeked to high heaven at all times and was clearly in no shape for romance of any sort.

The second person was a man named S. Gonzalez. He was probably in his mid-twenties and lived alone in his own mobile home in a trailer park on the Gordon Highway across from Ft. Gordon in Grovetown, Georgia.

The first time I met S I was with my sister and brother-in-law and we were walking through Grovetown because no one had a car back then…we walked everywhere we went. Eventually we came across S and a prostitute named Rita.

After talking for a while, we all ducked off the road into a little stand of trees to smoke a joint. Rita pulled out some Southern Comfort and we all just sat a while together. Then S did something else. He opened up a brown paper bag that had an empty bread sack inside and started huffing. I had seen enough huffers to know it was silver krylon spray paint. Ick.

But, man, S was so good-looking: tall and lean with gorgeous eyes in a Hispanic complexion. I figured it was just an occasional thing he did, or maybe I was just hoping. I was a teenager, after all, and a boy-crazy one at that.

The next and last time I met S, my brother, my sister, my brother-in-law and I did a bunch of mushrooms and walked all the way out to his trailer. The walk out there was fun. It was just getting dark and everything had cooled off nicely and we were all in a good mood.

I was in for a shock when I got to his place though. This is no exaggeration, but every visible inch of that trailer was covered in silver spray paint. It was on the walls, the ceiling, the carpet, the furniture, the lamps, ashtrays, dishes, books, magazines…even the toilet paper. And the smell! Ugh, it was just horrible. Obviously, his spray paint habit was full-time hardcore.

Well, the night progressed and the mushrooms began to really kick in and S. Gonzalez began to really freak me out. He hovered around me and tried several times to initiate a make-out session, but oh hell no I was not going for that. I cowered away from him and couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there. My sister said he tried messing with her, too.

I sometimes wonder about J and S. If I was a foretelling kind of person, I would predict them either dead at this point, or severely and permanently brain-damaged. But, I hope they were able to muck through it all somehow. Maybe I should have asked my brother-in-law about them before he died of a drug overdose himself some years later.

The main thing about these two guys is that they were able to do something for me that no one else ever could. I’ve seen some hairy stuff in my lifetime like heroin and other drug overdoses, and serious alcoholic effects, but none of that ever kept me away from those things. However, my experiences with J and S convinced me of one thing very, very clearly: do not, under any circumstances ever huff anything.

I was thinking about these guys the other day for some strange reason so just thought I’d blog about them.

This reinforces the idea that for me, life is good.

wasted day

I did get one article done, then when I was washing dishes I had a great idea for a story.  I sat down to work on that and then became obsessed with setting up a dumbass acronym for a fictional organization in the story.  After about an hour pissing around with that I realized I was just avoiding the actual writing because I honestly didn’t even need a gimmicky acronym.  All told I got a paragraph and a half written for the whole afternoon.  It’s almost time to make dinner so I’ll close the file and I’ll probably never open it again.  It can join the other files (on the other computer, acourse) that were started and then forgotten.

Bright side?  Maybe I’ll open the file tomorrow and write some more.  I did take notes before I started writing.

I watched the premiere of “The Cleaner” (Benjamin Bratt as William Banks) last night on A&E (I don’t have cable TV and don’t want cable TV, but somehow I have A&E and TBS).   I know it’s based on a real guy that’s helped hundreds of addicts and who literally talks to god, but I could have done without the religious element.  Though to be fair, that aspect was pretty slight.  It was a decent show, I thought.  Maybe I’ll catch it next week; I’m anxious to see how realistic the addicts are.  I don’t think it was a deep enough look to be able to form an opinion from one episode, but the dialogue was good…natural…funny.   Had some sad bits, too.

Okay, I’ve hardly been outside today so I’m going to go out and have a cigarette before I cook.  I can see a potential problem with being way down here at the bottom.  There will be days I’ll have to make myself take the stairs up and then the ones down to get some fresh air, but at least my cigarette consumption has been dramatically reduced because I’ve decided there’s no smoking inside anymore.

Have a good day.  Life is good.

my inner geek LOVES dr. horrible’s sing-along blog

As the LA Times reports, Joss Whedon’s new internet series, Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, is a site-crashing success.

Starring Neil Patrick Harris (Dr. Horrible), Nathan Fillion (Captain Hammer), and Felicia Day (Penny), this show is a silly, charming, sweet-spot on the web.

Watch act 1 immediately…before the server crashes again.

disinfestation one

My father had pet names for all five of us kids, but I can only seem to recall two of them. He called me Sally and he called my sister Trinka-Jean. He used to sit me on the arm of the sofa and gently push my chest so I would start to fall backwards at which point he would “catch” me and call out Sal-LY. I don’t know why but it was great big fun for me, but then I was just a wee thing and I adored my father.

At one point in my very early childhood Daddy worked the evening shift, or at least a late shift for a while. The rest of us would have dinner and then when he got home he would sit at the kitchen table and have his own dinner. Even though I had already eaten, I would always sneak into the kitchen, climb up in his lap and he would feed me from his plate. It’s one of my favorite things to remember. Things seemed good then…really good. But I wonder if they truly were.

When I look back now, I realize that I always knew there was a big problem in my family, but children are resilient by nature and skilled at mucking through the shadows to find the ray of light. Also, for all I knew, every family in the world was like mine, and in a way, maybe they all were/are. Anyway, I learned early on to hang on to the good stuff…as most children do.

In the case of my family, the elephant in the room seemed to be Daddy’s alcoholism. At least that was the main focus for us all; the impetus for every decision made; the fault for every hardship endured; the sometimes-not-so-secret shame suffered by one and all. To say that it crippled the growth of my family is a dramatic understatement.

But — and not one of my siblings has ever vocalized this notion to me — what damage did the reaction of my father’s family incur? He received no support, he enjoyed no tolerance, he was offered no understanding. He shouldered that great burden of blame and shuffled on through, probably without a clue about how to get himself and his loved ones healed. For most of his life he was a functioning alcoholic, though there were certainly lapses in his ability to carry on. He had a wife and five kids to feed and for the most part he managed to do so even while constantly being undermined by my mother and shunned by the rest of the family.

I think how awful it must have been to know that everyone he loved expected nothing more than failure and disappointment from him every single day. How can a person ever be any more than that when it is so deeply embedded into the matrix of their existence? I think for that era of American society it was nearly impossible for a poverty-level, working class man to extricate himself from such a weary life, especially when not a single person on the face of the earth understood or supported him.

I’m so ashamed of the way I regarded and treated my daddy as I got older. It’s one of my deepest regrets.

The thing about Daddy is that even though he had basically no education, he was a smart man with good ideas. But because he was an alcoholic, no one ever believed him. No one seemed to have any faith in him whatsoever. He was right about a lot of things but his troubles were many.

I believe I have more insight into Daddy’s personality because I’m the youngest of the five. There are six years between my brother and me while the rest of them were all born pretty close together. I saw a lot of things they never saw and even though I was too young to have such awareness, I understood what most of it meant.

I made it through the first forty years of my life not thinking too much about all this. Oh sure, I had my moments of introspection and each one of them offered me another nugget of enlightenment, but it really wasn’t until about three years ago that my thoughts began to turn to my childhood more and more and more. Probably because of my son and my own family problems. I was struck by a sick-feeling need that I knew I could never fill in any traditional way. Suddenly I felt like I really needed to first try and complete my understanding of the family dynamics when I was growing up, and second to make amends for the way I interacted with my family…especially my parents…most especially my father. I believe this will be a key factor in achieving my own emotional and mental health.

That’s a hefty task considering that both of my parents have died, but maybe I can still pull it off in my mind and my heart even if only for my own peace.

I’m not a christian; I don’t believe in god; but I do believe that every person born has an energy that doesn’t ever disappear, even in death. So, maybe there’s a way to find peace.

Now that I’ve revealed a huge chunk of my flakiness I will sign off and say…life is good.

blech!

What a crappy weekend.

I found out that the man we rented the apartment from…the manager, not the owner…is moving away. So, guess who the new managers are? That’s right…the noise-makers from above. So, if things should get out of control with the noise and the parties, who can I file a complaint with? No one.

Also, my lease says no pets, but there is a dog that pitter-patters all day long upstairs, and I’ve counted three cats so far in the window of the apartment on the very top. Yet, I can’t have one.

Such is my life.

I’m having deep, deep, deep regrets about this place. I sort of feel like a prisoner who peeks out of my bars all day, but can’t actually seem to get out of here.

Eh, it’ll pass.

Truth is, I’m just in a crappy mood. On Friday, I had no less than four episodes of flashers in both eyes when I was trying to work. Needless to say, I had to stop. And anyway, I can’t do a thing with this laptop…I get warnings and freeze-ups and most programs just shut themselves off without any warning, and there’s still no money to get my computer fixed.  I should really just give up on it all and maybe get a fricking waitress job or something.

Plus, I’m terribly, terribly lonely. I’ve tried numerous times to reconnect with my friends but I honestly think I’m being ignored and merely tolerated. LM was supposed to get back with me about a job opp and a lunch date, but…nada. And that’s only one example.

Okay, well I’m just full of complaints so I’ll drag myself outta this and see what I can accomplish today.

Life is good.